2/05/2012
I really feel like I need to get this down, and out of myself. It’s tumultuous in my mind and epic in its proportions.
Everybody does everything for a reason. It all has a purpose. Mostly it stems from fulfilment of what they think of as self. But in doing things for the self, they find they get less joy from it then once assumed. We do things to share things, whether it be time, money, love. All of these concepts mean nothing without those around us.
Those with ego, have no one to show off to. To feel bigger than. Those with talent, have no inspiration, no guidance. Those with time may donate it to themselves but get left un-fulfilled with dark hours. We are social creatures, and need to maintain a bond.
The strongest bond is love. Whether it be between friend and foe, man and wife, lover to lover, man to animal. There is no difference. It’s and sense of purpose and responsibility. For your own life, as well as another. You can achieve things of the grandest proportion, but find emptiness in your achievements without sharing them. This had been demonstrated in history as well as literature, a thousand times over.
I feel have an insight of sorts, one that I need to share with others, otherwise what is my purpose? If I cannot convey, teach, instruct, guide someone through mine and their experience, what is the use of my knowledge, what is the use of a “me”, or “you”? We all travel the same journey, and all end up the same way.
I love that I have a voice, that I can make people feel. That what I do can affect people. That I can make people smile, people laugh, people feel love. I love that I can make an effect, as small of a ripple as it maybe, it touches all around it. I love to teach people, things they don’t know, about themselves, or the world. I love sharing in their new found joy of un-encountered experiences.
May we love those around us. Ones that affect us and make us smile. May we see them for what they are, and never under appreciate them. May we be in awe of the beauty of the world that surrounds us. May we accept that not everything is easy, and if it was it wouldn’t be as rewarding at the end. May we live in peace, and not let havoc ruin our minds.
There are so many out there incapable of expression, physical or emotional. They are the ones who get up in the morning, and put on the same pieces of clothing, perfume, make-up, go to the same place, talk to the same people, and ignore the same people, come home and not switch off their “work” minds. They do not understand that they must live two different lives. Have two difference brains. Otherwise the system will engulf you, and never let you go.
I remember when I was introduced as “the girl who changes her hair once a week”. What is life without whimsy? Where are we without our quirks, the tiniest things that identify you from the rest? You are not identified by your name (in society, yes), but by your heart, and in everyone else’s minds, you are not known by name. You are known by your scent, your laugh, “that” memory. Names are a convenience we can do without. You are you, and the people around you, know you as you because that is who you are.
It’s a beautiful concept. The one of self.
And I do not understand why that concept of self is not displayed on the outside. People seem to want to blend into the background, when they should be screaming from the rooftops, “I AM ME, I AM I, AND I AM ALIVE”. And whether that be literal, or metaphorical is to your choice.
I watch people; I see that they see the world the same way every day because that is what they project, so openly and so loudly. I see them doing their hair the same way every day, I see them wear the same white-t (I know it’s the same, I remember that tiny coffee stain). And I wonder, what else they think about, what else they dream of. What else do they honestly expect if they cannot see what else is in front of them?
Live in the moment. Smile. Love you, and those around you. Appreciate your “self”. Let it out. It makes you, you.
If what I write speaks to you in some way (good or bad), please let me know. I want to hear that people feel an affinity, so my mind keeps letting write.
May the many greats continue.
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Many people disassociate items from what they truly are. Perfect example is TV. We are bombarded with images of death and pain, but we can still watch it without cringing, because somewhere in the back of our minds the voice says "it's okay, because it's not real." But if we faced this is real life, you would be overwhelmed by fear, nerves, nausea, paralysis even. The news readers don't cry when they read about the people who die.
Think about where you food comes from. That tasty bit of steak your hoeing into was once the muscle of a cow. It allowed that cow to move and metabolise. When your eating your steak, you don't want to think about these things. As far as most people are concerned, it comes prepackaged from a butcher. Bloodless and boneless, and never alive.
I don't blame people for these thoughts. It the way we are taught and conditioned. To have others do the "dirty work" for you. I don't blame children for their lack of knowledge, I blame the adults who know, and ignore it.
And I'm not just talking about food. The clothes we wear, the products we buy, and the houses we live in. We had no part to play in any of it. And for some reason that is perfectly fine. For example: The cotton for the clothes was grown in India, picked by hundreds of people, processed by more, sold to China and transported there by ship, it's the trucked to a factory where its thousand of threads are woven, cut into shapes, sown by hundreds of stitches. Tagged, labelled, packed and shipped, only to be unpacked at the other end, and put on a shelf for you to buy. Let me ask you, how many times have you thought about the entire process of an item? We are not conditioned to care, it will always be someone elses problem.
Our concept of a price is also skewed. For example: I remember when fuel prices where 50-60c/l, when we didn't know the true value of fossil fuels (it was once 1c/L), compared to now at $1.5/l. Our fuels prices are lower now than they were in Europe 10 years ago.. And yet we complain about it. The price of the thing that drives our society, our jobs, our transport net works. But we are more than willing to shell out $3.5 for a 600ml coke, which does nothing but feed our sugar and caffeine addictions.
Consumerism is taking over this planet, we are no longer driven by what we need, it's what we want. And what we are conditioned to want is very accessible and very cheap. Therefore making it disposable. Example: when you walk into a fruit and vegetable department, there is excessive amounts of food "on sale". A very small amount of that is local, or "organically grown". We are bombarded by the "cheap products" and are naturally conditioned to buy them instead. The little voice says "can they really be that much different?". Navel oranges, grown in California, are shipped out here for us to buy, when we have perfectly good oranges that we export.
That's another thing that really gets my goat, the fact that we could be a completely self sustainable country, and yet we are forced to trade with others to maintain political and socioeconomic relationships, and maintain the strength of our dollar. Example: iron ore is mined here which we then sell and ship to Asia to be refined, and then we buy it back ready made. Meanwhile, places like blue-scope, and one steel are decreasing their operations. Blue-scope at Port Kembla, that made steel during world war two, is being made redundant. This statement goes for food, clothes, electronic and other consumer items. China is a very smart country, they could rule the world, by just stopping their manufacturing processes. We have come to rely on them, for everything. And due to their sheer numbers, they can stand the test. The whole world would come to a standstill, if they chose it, and much more effectively than any weapon ever could.
People do not appreciate what they have. They do not know what they could have. They do not know what else is out there. Ignorance comes before smarts in this society, and anyone who cant see that is right in their grip. There is someone up there, watching this all play out.
We have been set up. Set up to be scared into submission. They use fear to control us. But give us enough choices to think we have freedom in our grasp. There is a very fine line in between playing the game, and being sucked into it completely. Items only have the value you place on them, and as a society based on commercialism, you make the choice.
How enlightened do you think you are really?
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The youth of today are the targeted audience, the impulse buyers, and trend followers, un able to form opinions or choose things for themselves.
I wish real artists got the same attention as those who cannot sing, or play, and rely on technology to make themselves appealing. We end up with so many one hit wonders, and people who cant tour as they have no skills as a performer, or a vocalist.
There are so many artists and bands who dont get the time of day, because they are not deemed as marketable, but they are still passionate about their art, skilled and willing.
I'm tiring of these people who think they have an opinion, an identity, a sense of purpose. An entitlement to everything. When all they have is false truths in their head and nothing of consequence in their hearts.
I'm searching for a much simpler way of life.
One where truth and beauty rules over all.
There are times in our lives where nothing seems to make sense. Where everything we do is wrong. Where mistakes are made and lessons learnt. Where you cant speak to people due to a fear you may say something rash or regretable. Where you wish you could turn back time to simpler days where all that mattered is now considered trivial.
We have these changes, whether they be physical or mental, that can effect us more than anything else.
The power of your own mind, it can be your best friend or your worst enemy. The voice in the back of your head that tells you your nothing. That you can't. Everyone can say that they have experienced this at some stage. Some people never come out of it. They thrive on their own pain and it gets them where they want in life.
I tire of it. These depressing patterns, just when I think Im getting a little stronger, something happens that just shatters my newly erected walls, and I fall again. Down to where I cant do anything I put my mind to.
I let people sown seeds of doubt in my mind. I know what is true, true to me, but somehow I allow these to still effect me. I fear letting people down. I fear letting myself down. I'm my own worst critic. I expect too much, I'm told.
And I dont want much. I dont want a career. I dont want fancy things. I dont want glorified money. I want happiness, contentment, honesty and love. And in this time, it seems to be a rare thing to want and a rare thing to find. I want simplicity. I want completion, and ill find that in looking for the little things.
I dont reach for help. I'm too stubborn. And I dont trust easily. But i know its cyclic, and like all things, it will pass.
I maybe a dreamer, and I maybe looking for the hardest things to find, purely because they are the things right in front of you hidden by this obsessive egotisical cloud. A cloud I need to get rid of. I need to accept it when it comes, and smile because I know it will soon be leaving. And I can return to finding what I'm hunting for.
I know I wont find it anywhere and everywhere but it wont stop me from looking. It wont stop me from trying to get there.
I have hope.
A faith in myself, that it will be okay. I dont need someone else to tell me so. I know it in my heart. I will get there.
I am I.
And I have hope.
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For the last few weeks, I've been, so to say, omni present here. There has been so much going on, that I don't if I'll ever find the time just to sit down again!
I hope i find you well, and keeping up with all that is new and wonderous, and please share it with me, as I'd love to be enlightened.
There have been so many thoughts and ideas that have been rolling around in my head for this page. Ive been writing snippets of poetry, and I think I've almost finished my first complete song. Its not GREAT, but it feels like an achievement.
And I like that feeling.
I also like the feeling that Music is endless. The endless styles and combinations of vocals and instruments.
You could spend the rest of your listening to music, and you wouldn't hear half of what the world has to offer.
I tend to be quite close minded as to what I like, but sometimes in surprise myself. I find something so different and strange in a clearance bin, that i love it instantly and tell everyone about it.
Its something else I like to do. Share music. And although I don't play (well), I've realised how much it affects people, just by how much it effects me. I have my back round, driving, bass craving, vocally intense, weird and wonderful music, that sometimes, i just need to hear.
Set the mood right with the perfect track, and good things are bound to happen.
ive wanted this to be an inspirational section from the very beginning, something that people read and they go away and think about it. something that might change someones mind.
im finding that i cant do that right now. for whatever reason, my creativity has escaped me. i spend hours staring into the darkness, being idle and sombre.
im torn between so many lives. here and now, im moving into a place that could be "home" in a matter of weeks. i hope this will be the change that i so sorely desire. it may take away the angst i feel in other parts of my life.
there and later is another option. where i can drop everything i have here and escape into another created life. maybe one that fails, or maybe one that fulfills me. there are so many unknowns and so many factors to consider that are completely out of my control.
im growing tired of these day-in day-out practices, where nothing changes. i feel as if im doing nothing and not in a good way.
im sorry im not here right now.
i feel like im letting you down. but right now, this is beyond me.
ill be back.
ill be back.
Pour l'amour.
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For all intensive purposes I still consider myself a child.
I take great pleasure in the little things. I honestly think there is nothing better then playing all day outside with your friends, getting terribly dirty and laughing until everything hurts.
I find many adults have gone away from these behaviours, and for whatever reason cant go back. They get caught up in all the seriousness and melancholic processes.
I was actually really pleased at the latest McDonalds campaign, featuring playgrounds for adults. It's a good message to be broadcasting.
There is a large difference in between being child-like and being immature or ignorant.
They have alot to show and teach us, as they have completely different and unbiased opinions. And are generally much more observant.
In the words of the late Micheal Jackson: "When you get right down to it , survival means seeing the way things really are and responding. It means being open. And that's what innocence is. It's simple and trusting like a child, not judgemental and committed to one narrow point of view. If you are locked into a pattern of thinking and responding, your creativity gets blocked. You miss the freshness and the magic of the moment. Learn to be innocent again, and that freshness never fades." The truth makes me smile everytime.
I enjoy the little things in life, good food, good music and good company. It makes me think of the montage from Jean-Pierre Jeunet's "Amelie". I like the smell of a warm car, and freshly cooked mushrooms, the feel of faux mink, the colour of skin fresh from the ocean, the volume of my hair (on a good day), prints on vintage fabrics, the contentment that comes from sleeping in the sun, the rich aroma that comes from fertile soil, the feel of the sea, the way music moves me, the scent of my lover, the feel of cool liquid running down my throat, watching animals interact (including children) and finally falling into a bed at the end of a day.
I think people often forget to look. Forget that there is more than whats immediately in front of them. I often think "adults" look down on me because of my perspective, but I know that by having this out look, life is all the more wonderful. The possibilities are endless, if you are to just open your eyes to it all. Use the eyes of your inner child.
I implore you to make a list of things YOU enjoy, for purely selfish reasons. Write as many as you can, and you'll find that more and more will come to you. Keep this list somewhere, and use it if you need a pick up at anytime. Guaranteed to make your day.
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I find people looking at me, everywhere I go, and I don't just think its me being paranoid. There's been situations where I've been looked up and down, and scoffed at. Something I didn't understand at all at first.
That's why when I meet new people I'll try and dazzle them slightly, intrigue them enough to want to converse. Show them the spectrum of my interests, and where my knowledge lies. They generally come away with a well rounded opinion of me.
I've actually been told that I've swayed an elders opinion on young adults of today. I think I've just been raised well. And surprisingly, I already know who I want my children to be, what morals I want to instill in them, and I hope they grow up to be a decent member of society. I don't know why I think on things to that extent but I'm sure it will aid me later.
I've trained myself not to stress too much, as it does you nothing but ill. And because of that "self training" I can honestly deal with most situations without losing my head.. no matter how stressful and looming they maybe. If something needs to be done, then I do it. Simple. I've seen people have to biggest problems over nothing (not "nothing", just nothing important), making themselves sick with worry, avoiding other commitments, making excuses and procrastinating. The simplest solution is the best one. And you know exactly what is it.
I'm tired of people turning up their noses at people, thinking their above others. That their worth more, purely because of their exterior appearance.I hope more people come to realise, as I have, that you shouldn't give a fuck what others think of you, because you are who you are, nothing and nobody will change that (unless you want to). You should be happy being you, you should do it for yourself, follow what says yes in both your head and your heart.
I don't think Ive ever been more fulfilled in my life.
Be true.
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It seems that a majority of my time is spent in the dream world that is my head.
Although I am fully aware of what is required in "life", what is said to be "needed", yet I still choose my dreams over the reality.
There are days that I lose myself in time, where it passes inconspicuously, and I have no need to notice it. I love the days where I know that I have no where to be, no one to hurry me, and I can complete my tasks as I see fit. But within these periods of "no time", I also forget myself in someways, as there is nothing I have to do and no where to be. I float without purpose.
I feel that I will continue to float for sometime now. I know exactly what I'm looking for and when I see it, or feel it, I will know in my heart-of-hearts that it was meant for me..
I have no problem with floating but the logical part of me sees it as an issue at times. That I should have already started moving forward in a direction, but my heart tells me "why do it? if you know you truly don't want to. Don't waste your energy".
I see people with so much ambition in their lives, their heads full of false hopes. I know just by looking at them. I know that they are no different. No sparkle in their eye. No spring in their step. Doing because they have to.
That's a position that I never want to be in, settling because I'm told to, because I'm told I have to. Even if my dreams are physically unattainable, its not going to stop me from trying, because trying for is a 1000 times better than settling for something that means nothing to you.
It maybe fear invoking, It maybe stupid at times, but when you know its meant to be, its not a chore, its not an "I have to", its an "I want to", and "I need to".
I truly want people to open their eyes and see exactly what opportunities are before them, to think about what they are doing, and find out of its truly right for them.
Some people are happy in their state of ignorance, and I don't blame them. If you don't know what else is out there, what else can you hope for? I only wish for the chosen few to impart their knowledge, and plant that seed.
A thought is all it takes.
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From year eight I've had short hair, which I guess stereotypically makes you "butch", I've been opinionated, unafraid to ask the hard questions, stubborn and I've always had an interesting sense of self. It makes people think, and question, and I guess this adds to my mystique. People are afraid to ask. But if the did they would only get the truth.
I don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore, I stopped that long ago, when I realised just how much pain that can cause.
A friends mother from high school, barred her from seeing me outside school, as she the thought me to be a "bad influence". I think its laughable. Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with how you treat someone, or moral or ethics.
In my mind love, and sexual attraction comes in many forms, and its not just set aside for heterosexual couples. Love is love, and it doesn't matter honestly. People are people, and your attracted to that person because something about them speaks to you, whether it be their body or mind. And when your entangled with them, touch is still touch, and taste is still taste, truth is still truth.
It's amazing what can be experienced through skin. It's something that binds us together but keeps us separate from the world at the same time...
I've been in situations where I've been asked if I required "paid company". It took a great amount of self control not to laugh. I have a lot of pride, but i also understand human interaction to a point where I can avoid uncomfortable situations such as the above.
I don't know how people can get to a point where they need to pay for intimacy, for those fleeting feelings of being wanted, where as its a fact they could get that unpaid too. If people where to open their eyes, they would see that most people just want some love in their lives (no matter how flawed the notion).
If you see someone which stirs that "something" inside you, captures your interest, it happens for a reason, look past their genitalia and look within. Within that person you may find a friend or a lover, someone to talk with, to trust. It maybe a life long bond.
Right now, I've found someone who captures my heart, as well and my soul. I trust, and I am trusted. I care, and I am cared for. With this knowledge, the sun is a little brighter in my sky.
Try it. Just take a chance. You may pleasantly surprise yourself.
And I'm happy to answer any questions you have. I am honest as always.
